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Some Kind of Jedi

Pidgin guerrilla takes a look at office life

(page 3 of 4)

In da end, I managed for get four more guys outta my faddah. Han Solo, C3-PO, Obi Wan Kenobi, and jus one villain, Darth Vader. I liked keeping da packaging cuz on da back had one picture of all da oddah figures dey had, but I couldn’t have. And wuz good ting I saved da packaging, cuz on da back of da newest one I had had da announcement for da special mail away Boba Fett figure. I had jus enough proof of purchases. All I needed wuz my faddah for cut me one check for da shipping and handling.

“I no get it. If free, den why I gotta pay?”

“Da toy free. You jus gotta pay SHIPPING.”

“If I gotta pay shipping, den not free for me. Free for you. Who da guy anyway, Bobba Fett? He wuz in da movie? “

“He wuz in da cartoon on dat TV special.”

“On TV? So das not Star Wars den?”

“He’s gonna be in da next Star Wars movie.”

“So if he going be in da next movie, den I can get dat for you next time den, ah?”

“Look, he has one cool rocket-firing backpack. You jus push da button and da missile flies out.”

“Dangerous dat kine, no? Bumbye poke out da eye.”

Aftah some negotiating I got my faddah for take care of da shipping. Aftah I played like 100 rounds of Fight Grass with him. And like da last time, when da ting finally came in da mail, I wuz little bit disappointed again. Wuzn’t exackly as shown in da picture. I wuz looking forward to using Boba Fett’s missile for shoot down all da good guys, cuz I wuz getting tired of having seven against Darth Vader all da time. But da ting nevah fire. Boba Fett’s rocket wuz stuck inside his backpack. Couldn’t come out. Wuz glued in. Stuck. Found out way later dat Kenner got cold feet cuz around da same time Mattel had for recall one Battlestar Galactica space ship toy dat had one small missile dat fired, cuz ten kids got injured and one kid died from swallowing da missile. Too bad Boba Fett wuz deemed too dangerous. Would’ve been cool if dey made ‘em like how dey said dey wuz. Dey really knew how for fool us with their promises.


You would tink dat having hard working parents would’ve made me wanna be hard working too. But seeing how hard my maddah and faddah had to work had da opposite effect. It made me cherish da concept of having free time.

High school time I had to work for help pitch in. I managed for find only da coolest job in da world, working at McDonald’s. I wuzn’t allowed for have McDonald’s as one kid, so working dea wuz like Disneyland to me. Especially cuz da manager let us eat all da mistake food. All he asked wuz dat we throw da mistake wrappers in one special rubbish can, which wuz fine by me cuz not like you can eat da wrapper. Dey jus wanted da mistake wrappers so dey could record all dat on top da inventory. I dunno if wuz good dat my fellow workers wuzn’t so good at their jobs cuz everyday at least three mistakes ended up in my belly. Looking at my girth now I suppose I should’ve exercised more self restraint. But like not having toys, being deprived of fast food as one child only made me want it more.

I had to work McDonald’s aftah school and on weekends too, so I hardly had free time. My maddah faddah tried for get me for join extra curricular stuff at school. But I nevah like. I figgahed for why do extra.
“You don’t wanna participate in student government?”

“Nah. Dey gotta go meetings den take notes and report back to da class.”

“Maybe you should join Key Club or Leo Club.”

“Dem guys too. All dey do is go to meetings during recess. Every meeting is mandatory. Recess time is when you supposed to be able for relax, talk story with your friends.”

“It’ll look good for you when you go college.”

“On weekends too you know, dey gotta paint benches and pick up rubbish and stuff. Weekends is when you supposed to be able for take it easy. Plus all dat community service stuff is when I gotta work. You like me quit my job?”

And dat wuz enough for convince my faddah dat extra curricular activities wuzn’t practically.

I only did little bit college. Jus enough for get my associate’s. I figgahed for why do more? I managed for get one nice job in one office. Made my maddah faddah guys happy. I had my own small apartment. I had my close circle of fellow Star Wars friends. I could buy all da toys I wanted with my own money. For years I wuz living in my own little perfeck world until dat new reality show came out on top da TV.

Dog the Bounty Hunter changed my life. He probably changed lotta people’s lives. Besides da people he helped on da show, he probably changed lotta viewer’s lives too. Maybe he showed dem different sides of society dat dey nevah seen before so it bursted their bubbles. Maybe seeing da homeless peoples or recovering addict peoples inspired some viewers for do some volunteer work for da first time. For me wuz someting diff’rent dat inspired me. Wuz seeing da man himself. Dog wuz one guy who wuz from da mainland, but hea he wuz doing good. He cared more about da Local community than me and I grew up hea my whole life. It’s like he wuz more Local than me. Seeing him in action made me wanna start making some changes.

Das why I been starting small. Seeing if I can get my friends for care about someting beyond ourselves. I been trying for use Star Wars as one launching pad wea we can debate some Local issues at our Star Wars meetings. I started if off with da pros and cons of Act 221, da ack dat gives tax breaks to production companies for film in Hawai‘i. Aftah much discussion, we agreed we wuz all for it cuz da tax incentive would lure more movies ova hea and we figured if Hawai‘i can stand-in for da whole world like in da television series Lost, den surely Hawai‘i can be substitute too for da whole Star Wars galaxy. We came to da consensus dat if George Lucus eva decided he wanted for remake his Star Wars movies AGAIN, he should give Hawai‘i some serious considerations. He no need go around da world from da Redwood forests of California, to da deserts of Africa, and den on to da frozen glaciers of Norway. He can jus stay in Hawai‘i. Da old Paradise Park can stand in for planet Endor. Da hot, muggy ‘Ewa plains can substitute for Tatooine. And for da icy planet Hoth, George can use Ice Palace, brah.

And if we lucky, George might use some Local talent in his movies. I know who would be good as my favorite character, Boba Fett. Boba Fett wuz da coolest looking. I jus wish he wuzn’t so wimpy. It brings me great sadness dat Boba Fett nevah die one more valiant death. It’s like sins of da faddah, brah. His faddah Jango Fett got killed cuz his jetpack malfuctioned while he wuz battling Mace Windu. You would tink dat since young Boba Fett wuz witness, he would’ve learned from dat, but he wen pretty much ma-ke da same way too. Jetpack malfunction. Da ting probably had glue stuck inside.

To me, it’s highly unbelievable dat one blind Han Solo could defeat da baddest bounty hunter in da galaxy. Basically all Han Solo did wuz bump into Boba Fett by mistake so dat Boba Fett’s stupid jetpack came all haywire and flew him direck into Sarlacc Pit where presumably he died. Though I still holding out for da possibility dat Bobba Fett’s armor wuz able for keep him alive and he eventually regained control of his jetpack and wuz able for fly himself outta da pit aftah everybody left. Das going be in Star Wars Episode VII, garanz.

Would be awesome if for da Star Wars Hana Hou films if dey could get da coolest real life bounty hunter, Duane Chapman a.k.a. Dog the Bounty Hunter, for play da role of da fictional bounty hunter Boba Fett. And ho, would be even more mean if Dog as Bobba Fett could have his own Boba the Bounty Hunter spin-off series on A&E.
Boba: Han Solo. . . I’ve finally caught up to you, bruh.

Han: How did you find me?

Boba: I’m in the business of finding guys that are hard to find.

Han: What do you want Boba?

Boba: I hear you’re using the Millenium Falcon for trafficking.

Han: I may do some smuggling every now and then.

Boba: You wouldn’t so happen to be smuggling ICE now would you?

Han: Ice? You mean ice, like they have on planet Hoth?

Boba: Bruh, I’m using the street term. Ice, you know. Crank, glass, meth. Crystal Methamphetamines. I’m down with all the lingo because I spent time on the prison planet. But I’ve been reformed. All you have to do is confess to your sins. Bruh-dah, do you need me to quote you a passage from the good book?

Han: How can I confess when I can’t say that I know what you’re talking about.

Boba: No one competes with Jabba, Solo. Jabba’s not pleased.

Han: Jabba still telling you what to do?

Boba: Don’t speak ill of Jabba. My sources say you’ve been spending a lot of time on Chinaworld. Everyone knows that Chinaworld’s a haven for seedy brothels, illegal gambling halls, and notorious drug dens. Is that where you get your drugs from, bruh? Don’t deny it Solo.

Han: You shouldn’t stereotype Chinaworld. They got quite a vibrant cultural scene going on there. I been going to a nice little club where Jake Shimabookie’s been playing his galactic uke. Some say, that someday he’s gonna be even bigger than the Max Rebo band. And I have to say. I really like the manapua from Char Hung Sut. I always have to go there to bring some back for Chewie. He says I have to bring him back omiyage when I go on a trip. He gets mad if I don’t. And you should never upset a Wookie.

I doubt that Han Solo would use da word “omiyage,” but wouldn’t it be cool if Star Wars Hana Hou wuz all Local style? Dat would be fun. Nevah boddah me when I wuz small, but when I watch Star Wars now, I tink, das not how Local people would do ‘em. Das so mainlandy. And if George wuz for make us script consultants for his revamp, we’d gladly point out which scenes we could help him Localize. For example, off da top of my head, he’d definitely need for fix da scene at da Cantina where Obi Wan Kenobi and Luke hire Han Solo for take ‘em on da Millineum Falcon. Locals all know dat das not how you do business. Local style is you supposed to try establish one connection and build one relationship first before making da deal.

BEN: So you’re Han Solo.

HAN: That’s right.

BEN: You related to one Ming Solo?

HAN: No.

BEN: What about one Ching Solo?

HAN: Sorry, don’t know either of those guys.

BEN: So you not related to any of da Dynasty Solos?

HAN: Huh?

BEN: So what school you went?

HAN: You mean what Starship Pilots’ school?

BEN: No, high school, high school.

HAN: Look, enough chit chat! I’m here to do business. The fare’s 10,000 credits from here to Alderaan.

BEN: No need for get huhu. I just wanted for see if you know my cousin.

HAN: What’s the odds of meeting someone you’re related to in a galaxy so big?

LUKE: Han’s right. Da odds are astronomically against finding someone you’re unknowingly related to. Maybe back in your day everyone knew everyone, Ben. But that wuz one different time. We kinda need for get outta here soon. We don’t have time for talk story.

HAN: Listen to the kid, old man. Look, do you wanna charter a flight on the Millenium Falcon or not?

BEN: I heard of one Ford Falcon. But da Millenium Falcon?

HAN: You’ve never heard of the Millenium Falcon? She’s only the fastest ship in the galaxy. Made da Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs.

LUKE: What’s one parsec?

HAN: Trust me kid. It’s fast.

BEN: Where is dis Millenium Falcon of yours?

LUKE: Yeah. Where you wen park? Close by?

HAN: Right in the hanger.

LUKE: Parking expensive in da hanger, no?

HAN: Where would you suggest I park then?

LUKE: Tatooine Locals know, you gotta park by da Zoo and walk.

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