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Some Kind of Jedi

Pidgin guerrilla takes a look at office life

(page 2 of 4)

Being one pudgier guy made ‘em tough for me as one kid. Being pudgey and not having cool stuff made ‘em especially more harder. Pretty much as one youth I blamed my whole lack of one social life on my faddah. You know how hard it is for get one date when you no more car and you gotta catch bus?

But I gotta admit, I did have ‘em bettah than my faddah guys. Back in his days dey used to make their own toys. I tink it’s cuz he wuz born before plastic wuz invented. He grew up in one plantation camp and dey played Jan Ken Po and Hide and Seek. And nevah have no toy stores back den so dey made up their own weird kine games wit sticks, rocks, and grass.

My faddah’s fond of saying how one of his favorite games wuz called Fight Grass. Basically dey would challenge each oddah and pull da nut grass from da ground and whoevah’s one broke first lost. He said wuz good fun. I tink Fight Grass wuz jus da old people’s way of tricking da young plantation kids into pulling some weeds and doing some yard work.

My maddah always had one soft spot and she nevah like deprive me. I remembah she tried for get me Kikaida toys or Micro Man toys, but my faddah always won those hard fought battles. His argument wuz dat he nevah had store-bought toys when he wuz growing up and he turned out okay.

Still, at least I got for have da kine toys dat nobody else had kine. When I got into Lone Ranger reruns on TV, my faddah made me one rubbah band gun made out of wood. When I got into Bruce Lee movies he made me nunchucks he made from left ovah rubbah piping, electrical tape, and some string.

When da movie Star Wars came out, he made me one lightsaber. At least das what HE called ‘em. I called ‘em one flashlight with clear blue cellophane ova da lens wea I had for make my mout like one ventriloquist for do da lightsaber noise. I asked my faddah how come I had for do my own sound effecks. He toll me wuz jus like da real lightsaber in da movie.

“Insai da movie, did you see Luke Skywalker moving his lips?”

“No.”

“Seeeeeee.”

My faddah had his own logic. And I guess I should’ve been grateful cuz wuzn’t like flashlight batteries grew on trees. I remembah dat first year when Star Wars came out, all da kids at school wuz all desperate for play wit anyting dat wuz Star Wars related. I asked my faddah if we could try check some of da big toy stores I heard about like Playworld or Playwell. Aftah all my nagging my maddah and faddah finally gave in and we went, but nevah have no Star Wars toys. As one consolation prize my maddah got me one Star Wars coloring book. How could dea be no toys I wondered. I thought maybe we wuz too late and everybody got ‘em all already and maybe I wuz da only one who nevah have. But I asked around and none of my friends had Star Wars toys eiddah. I wuz all set on getting someting made of wood or rubbah again dat Christmas. But when Christmas came I opened up my present and it appeared dat my Star Wars wish had been granted. It appeared dat I had finally gotten my first real toys. At least das what I thought at da time.

*****

Star Wars wuz my favorite movie as one kid. And it still is. My friends Ted, Joe, and Kevin meet at my place every month or so and we celebrate all things Star Wars. Some guys participate in online forums about Star Wars. Some guys play Star Wars Galaxies online. Us, we jus get togeddah and share da latest Star Wars swag we acquired or we talk about anykine Star Wars stuffs. Sometimes we have some pretty philosophical discussions.

“What happens to you aftah you die I wondah?”

“I tink you jus ma-ke. Pau you gone. Das it.”

“But in Star Wars you become a spirit. You just watch over everyone you know like Obi Wan Kenobi.”

“You tink Obi Wan Kenobi really died in Star Wars?”

“No question. Darth Vader killed him during their light saber duel, remember?”

“If you can call it one duel. Da new fight choreography makes dat old fight scene look so geriatric. “

“Doesn’t matter. End result is da same. Darth Vader killed Obi Wan Kenobi.”

“But nevah have no blood.”

“Yeah, he’s right. There wasn’t even a body.”

“Maybe he teleported.”

“But Jedi can’t teleport.”

“Do we know that as a fact? Just because we haven’t seen it, doesn’t mean it can’t happen.”

“His robe was still there.”

“See, that only lends more credence to my teleportation theory. It would be silly to think he could teleport himself as well as his clothes.”

“So you’re saying Obi Wan Kenobi’s running around nekid somewhere?”

“But hey guys, we see Obi Wan’s spirit talking to Luke later on.”

“How do we know it’s a spirit. Maybe it’s a holographic communication device like how the Emperor communicates to his guys in the prequels.”

“If Obi Wan Kenobi wuz alive, wouldn’t he let Luke know he wuz alive, instead of letting Luke think he was dead?”

“That would be kinda uns, if he bailed out and left his friends on da Death Star and just teleported away. But it wouldn’t be totally outta character. Obi Wan Kenobi did lie to Luke and say dat Darth Vader betrayed and murdered Luke’s faddah.”

“But did he lie lie? You could think of it as a symbolic murder as the Darth Vader persona took over for where there was once the man known as Anakin Skywalker.”

“Maybe. Obi Wan Kenobi should’ve been one politician I tell you. He so shibai.”

*****

Finding religion is tough. Da more I wuz Googling different religions, da more I wuz beginning for second guess my choice for be non-participatory in our stupid office Secret Santa. Might be easier for jus do ‘em. Being one religious faker would require a lotta hard work cuz I would have to learn everyting about dat religion for make my cover story fly. For lotta religions for learn ‘em good you have to go to one physical location for meet with oddahs of your congregation. Dat takes time. Plus lotta religions you get homework. Christian people, Jewish people, dey all gotta read one tick ass Bible. Muslim people too gotta read da Qu’ran. Plus everybody’s religions get all kine rules and observances you gotta follow. Buddhism, Kwanzaa, Wiccan people, all of ‘em get tings for do. So much rules and so much reading. J’like going back school already.

During my search on da internet I learned one interesting fact. Here’s one fact and facts is da truth. Da truth is da fastest growing church organization in da United States is Jehovah’s Witnesses. What can we attribute dis to? Da only ting I can tink of is it’s cuz people stay like me. Dey disenchanted with da whole commercializations of Christmas. Christmas has become all about da getting.

I suppose I could be one pretend Jehovah’s Witness. But I would probably have one hard time pulling off da role, cuz I nevah really got for study one real Jehovah’s Witness up close. Whenevah dey knock on my door I always too busy hiding. I should’ve been watching dem more carefully.

But jus from seeing how much ground dey cover in our neighborhood, I no tink I can handle being, or even pretending for be one Jehovah’s Witness, cuz dey do lotta walking for pass out their brochures. I not even sure what dey all believe in cuz I usually jus trow way da magazines dey leave on my doorstep. Da only ting I know dey no believe in is da post office. I mean, dey could jus mail their Watchtower tings. But I guess dey save stamp by making all their members deliver ‘em for dem. In all likelihood, people would nevah in a million years believe me for be one Jehovah’s Witness. Dey’d take one look at me and say, “You cannot be one Jehovah’s Witness. You too fat.” I gotta confess, dey might be right. But if I wanted for do dat much walking and get dat much exercise I would’ve joined one gym, not one church.

But I suppose physical well being and exercise is one large component of many of da world’s religions, yeah? Jehovah’s Witnesses walk door to door. Mormons ride their bicycles for miles and miles. Hari Krishna’s do that cardio workout with their dancing and shaking their little tambourines. Muslims are supah hardcore and dey required for walk ukubillion miles in da hot sun for make their religious pilgrimage to Mecca. And even Scientologists do lotta trampoline, jumping up and down on couches and stuff.

*****

Local style is you judge somebody not from what dey tell dey going do, but from what dey do do. Part of da reason why people in da office no like da Boss so much is cuz she make all himakamaka cuz she get her fancy degree from her fancy school. Everybody zones out at meetings and da Boss only digging herself one deeper grave cuz she nevah asks for input. We all jus expected for follow whatevah she tell. Lotta people no like dat kine. It’s like she da messiah and all everybody’s on da job experiences no count for anyting.

People often criticize Local people saying Local people no vote. Dey say Hawai‘i get planny voter apathy. For me, I no tink we apathetic. I jus tink we disenchanted wit our authority figures. Politicians especially, cuz politicians is da most famous for being all talk.

Actually, when I tink about it. Surprising I still even like Star Wars considering all da broken promises Star Wars made to me. I remembah da Christmas aftah Star Wars came out my faddah, with some convincing from my maddah, gave me one set of Star Wars action figures or what I believed at da time for be one set of action figures. Da box wuz pretty light for someting dat had one drawing of twelve Star Wars characters on da front. At first I thought maybe my faddah had emptied out da box and I’d have to hunt for each of da figures dat wuz depicted on da box. Like one grand Star Wars Easter Egg hunt. It seemed like someting my faddah would do—make me work for my present. But turned out there were no action figures. At least not yet.

You see, I wen learn years later dat Kenner had da license for produce da toys for da movie, but nobody expected Star Wars for be da runaway hit dat it wuz. So Kenner only had low investment movie merchandise ready for go like paint sets and puzzle books. Das why my maddah only could find me dat coloring book. Dey nevah even start developing da toys which had for be designed, sculpted and den tested. So when Christmas came dey nevah have no toys ready for sell. But luckily somebody in marketing had da creativity for market one empty box, wit da promise of future Star Wars toys, and christened da ting da Star Wars Early Bird Certificate Package.

I dunno what da actual mail away certificate said cuz my maddah and faddah filled out da papah. But several months later when da toys finally came only had four toys and not twelve like how had drawn on top da original box from Christmas time. Da four figures wuz Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, R2-D2 and Chewbacca. Wuz clear dat da toy company head honchos wuzn’t in touch with how young children played with toys. Good guys need bad guys for fight. I suppose if I really wanted to, I could’ve had da good guys having one INTERNAL struggle. Dey might battle succumbing to da dark side of da Force, which can be dramatic seeing ‘em in da movie, but it’s kinda hard for make ‘em exciting when you jus one kid trying for play with toys.

Truth be told, I wuz little bit let down dat my heroes nevah have no villains from da Empire for fight, but by dat point, aftah months and months of waiting, I wuz jus happy I got someting. It’s kinda like politicians who campaign dat dey going give Local people more services and less taxes, but aftah dey in office dey forget who put dem there, and so aftah years of broken promises Local people so frustrated dey jus end up being happy dey even get one job.

Those four Star Wars action figures wuz my first real toys and I found once I got one taste, I found myself jus wanting more. Unfortunately for me, my faddah wuz like da movie studio. He wuz handing out all kine budgetary constraits. He said I could only get da characters who wuz vital for telling da story. In da end, da way my faddah did ‘em he pretty much wuz making up his own Star Wars movie.

Jawa? No can. My faddah said can streamline da story if instead of buying da droids from da Jawa, we eliminate da middleman and Luke jus finds ‘em instead, mo’ fast like that. Same with da Sand People. Basically dey jus dea for slow down da actual meeting between Luke and Ben Kenobi. Greedo, Hammerhead and oddah creatures from da Cantina? No can. If dey only get couple, few, or no lines den dey not important to da story. Storm Troopers I thought wuz important, but my faddah said dey jus cannon fodder, which at da time I nevah understand cuz I nevah know da difference between faddah and fodder. I really wanted Luke Skywalker in his X-Wing fighter pilot gear. But dat nevah fly. Cuz I already had Luke dressed regular. So my faddah said for why Luke gotta change clothes everytime he do someting different? One clothes nahf. Dis Star Wars, not Barbie my faddah wen tell.

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