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Some Kind of Jedi

Pidgin guerrilla takes a look at office life

(page 4 of 4)

Aftah da Boss catches me playing Jedi, I tink about it for da whole day. When I go home I do some reseach and das when I find out dat me and my friends missed da whole boat on one international email campaign urging Star Wars fans for declare demselves Jedi on their respective censuses. One year in England and Wales 390,127 people claimed Jedi as their religion making it da fourth largest religion in dat region. And den in New Zealand ova 53,000 people said dey wuz Jedi on their census, but da government ova dea nevah recognize. Dey counted ‘em as “Answer understood, but will not be counted.” If da ting wen count, den Jedi would have been da second largest religion in New Zealand. And den again, more than 70,000 people in Australia said dey wuz Jedi. Da Australian Bureau of Statistics wuz so annoyed dat dey issued one statement warning dat anybody who wen write Jedi for their religion would be counted as not-defined and dey cautioned against giving false of misleading statements on top da census. Basically Australia dismissed da claims of da Jedi explaining dat Jedi is not one religion cuz for be one religion da ting gotta be one set belief system and have some kinda organizational structure.

Jedi gotta REPRESENT. Dat weekend for our Star Wars meeting I lead our discussion about how over development might affeck Endor if da Empire evah decided for build luxury spa resorts and whether or not tourism would displace da native Ewok population. Notice da parallels, ah?

Aftah dat I share what I wen learn about Jedi becoming recognized as one world religion. I tell, “If da people of da world is for real kine going make Jedi one religion, da ting gotta get some rules.” I put ‘em on da table dat we should try studying da wisdoms of Master Yoda, Master Kenobi, and da rest of da masters on da Jedi council. Ted interrupts me with one question.

“It occured to me that actually the church of da Jedi is actually the church of George Lucas, because didn’t George Lucas write all those words?”

“Yeah, Yoda wuz just his puppet,” Kevin chimes in.

“It doesn’t matter,” I argue. “God had for talk to his peeps for write down da Bible for him, no?”

“He had da kine sackratary? Fo reals?”

“So you saying God spoke to George Lucas?”

“No, I not saying dat. But maybe da Force spoke to George Lucas.”

“Da Force can talk?”

Aftah our whole Four Stooges rigamaroll, we eventually get down to da business of studying da actual Star Wars texts. We decide each one of us going volunteer one Star Wars quote from one recognized Jedi master on da council. Das means Anakin no count cuz he nevah have da rank of master. And from dea we going analyze da wisdoms found in those Jedi words.

Joe says he like go first. He says that da next time Ted or Kevin get dates dey can buss out some quotes from Master Yoda . If dey evah get one girl in bed dey can tell, “Size matters not. Judge me by size do you.” Den he snickers to himself. Joe has nevah had a girlfriend and perhaps he nevah will. Sometimes I find it’s rather creepy how he caresses his soft vinyl Kotobukiya figure of Princess Leia in her slave outfit.

I shake my head and I inform young padawan Joe dat he’s corrupting da words of Master Yoda who wuz referencing his diminutive physical stature. He wuz saying dat physical might doesn’t guarantee one victory in battles. I can tell already dat our Jedi Church going need some kinda leader person or someting for help interpret our Star Wars scripture for da congregation, oddahwise people jus going make up their own, any ol’kine.

“The force is what gives the Jedi his power. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together” is one quote from Master Kenobi dat Ted tosses out. Of course Joe cannot help but chuckle when Ted says da word “penetrates.”

Ted says he has one good interpretation for dis one. “I think that Master Kenobi’s advocating we all become Breatharians and live on air because Jedi shouldn’t eat plant nor animal because plants and animals are our fellow living things.”

“I’m not sure we can live soley on air,” I tell.

“I thought there was that guy one time on the news who claimed he did.”

“I tink he got busted at 7-Eleven eating one Slurpee, hot dog, and some Twinkies.”

“Technically only da hot dog is bad. I no tink Slurpee or Twinkie is either plant or animal.”

“Perhaps Master Kenobi will be okay with us eating food,” I offer. “By eating tings that are alive, we not going be killing off their energy, but raddah absorbing their energy into our own I tink so.”

“So you should be one really powerful Jedi,” Kevin tells.

“How you figgah?”

“Cuz you eat a lot. So you have a lotta Force in you. Haw, haw, haw, haw.”

I jus ignore Kevin and his comment and wait for him for tink of his quote. Finally he says doing his best Yoda impression, “Once you start down the dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny, consume you it will. Episode V, Yoda 61:32.”

“What’s 61:32?” Ted asks.

“Duh! Das precisely how many minutes into da movie,“ Kevin reveals. “It’s one good quote, yeah? I tink it jus means you should do good. Cuz once you do evil, den you going become more eviler and eviler. ”

“But doesn’t Darth Vader redeem himself in the end when he saves Luke from the Emperor? So don’t Anakin Skywalker’s actions contradict what Yoda says will happen?” Ted challenges.

We discuss ‘em and come to da conclusion dat though Yoda says “forever” he also says it’ll “dominate” hence we agree dat there is no contradiction as “dominate” means most of da time. So Darth Vader wuz indeed pretty mean most of da time once he turned to da dark side, as Yoda predicted he would be. That wuz close. We almost invalidated our own religion.

When it comes my turn for quote someting I trow out my favorite line. “Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.” Or as Locals would say, “No sked, chance ‘em.”

For da next few days I try new tings I nevah tried before. And I even take ‘em one step further and I take Yoda’s words to da extreme. I decide for avoid all usage of da word “try” in my everyday speech. Which I find is actually kinda hard cuz in Hawai‘i people use da word “try” a lot. Instead of saying “Try come,” I jus tell “Come.” Instead of saying “Try write this down” I gotta remembah for switch ‘em to “Write this down.” I not sure if I like taking out all my tries, cuz I tink I end up sounding more like my Boss. Bossy. And when I tink about ‘em sa’more, lotta cultures get da polite form when dey talk. “Try” sounds more nicer. Local politicians should take note. Instead of being bossy and saying “Vote for Mufi,” maybe Mufi should consider saying “Try Vote for Mufi.” See how dat works.

An’den, Local people, we always adding on confirmations at da end of our sentences too. Like “W&M Burger is da bes hamburger, no?” Or “Cate Sustanna is super smart, yeah?” And “I gotta work late so you going cook da dinner tomorrow, ah?” Notice how it’s those little tings dat Local people do for soften their statements making ‘em seem friendlier. Maybe das why lotta mainlandy people like for say how Local people sound welcoming when dey talk. It’s like we add on those tings not cuz we unsure, but cuz we care what da oddah person tinks so das why we feel like gotta check in wit da oddah person, make sure us and da person we talking to stay in agreement. Ho, das so considerate. Try like, I nevah know I wuz so polite, yeah?

*****

When Monday rolls around I walk into da Boss’ office all prepared for give my follow-up statement about my being Jedi and how it affecks my ability for participate dis year’s Secret Santa festivities.

“Hey Boss, how you doing? How wuz your weekend?” I ask.

“Okay.”

“Wotchoo do anyway on da weekends? You evah been hiking up any trails or anyting?”

“What do you want? More time talking is less time working. Time is money. So if you’re wasting time. You’re wasting money.”

“Oh, yeah. Not practically, yeah? Uh. I wanted for talk to you about your Secret Santa.”

“Yes, I don’t know what to do about that. Suddenly everyone’s dropping out. Well, almost everyone.”

“For real?”

“Is this some passive aggressive Local thing? Don’t tell me you’re dropping out too. Suddently everyone’s claiming they belong to all sorts of religions that don’t believe in Christmas gift giving.”

“Wo, same idea. . . I mean, naaaah.”

“The next thing I know you’re gonna be telling me you’re a Jedi.”

“Eh, how you knew what I wuz going say? Maybe you one Jedi too, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah. I heard about it last year. Jedi’s becoming a world religion yada yada. Still doesn’t explain why you can’t do Secret Santa.”

“Well. . . do you see anybody in any of da Star Wars-es exchanging Christmas presents? Not dat you recall, right? And you know hakum? It’s because there is no Christmas in Star Wars.”

“I don’t know about that. Why then did they have the Star Wars Holiday television special? “

“You mean dat obscure variety show special wit da Boba Fett cartoon dey had in da 70’s on CBS?”

“That’s the one.”

“Uh. . . in dat special Chewbacca wuz going to his home planet for celebrate Life Day, which is like Christmas. But it’s different see.” While I trying for rationalize my answer, I begin for wondah how da Boss even knows about dat super-cheesy, once-aired special dat George Lucas wouldn’t mind if wuz wiped out from da world’s collective consciousness. And das when it hits. “Hey, wait a minute, if you know about da special, dat must mean, you one Star Wars fan too!”

“The force is strong in this one,” she tells me while simultaneously rolling her eyes. “You know, I’m starting to believe no one likes my Secret Santa idea, but everyone is too afraid to tell me. Is that true?”

“Well, I dunno about afraid. But I dunno if you wen take a-notice, but sometimes, Local people, yeah, we no communicate direck, ah?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

“Uh, I telling you, but making sure we on da same page.”

“So is dis your indirect Local way of telling me something.”

“Since I gather you one Star Wars fan too, I go explain ‘em to you using Star Wars as one analogy. You know when Luke first met Yoda, he thought Yoda had one funny way of talking and wuz jus one funny backwards country bumpkin. But in reality, Yoda wuz jus feeling him out. Yoda wuz really one Jedi master.”

“So is this your cryptic way of saying I shouldn’t dismiss the workers? Perhaps I have an office full of Yodas.”
“I jus saying how you know who’s one Yoda if you no take da time for listen.”

“So tell me, do you have an example of how I might listen better?”

“For example, you remembah da oddah month how planny guys wuz asking you about da air condition? Dey wuz saying save electricity if we turn off da air condition sometimes, no?”

“Yes, and I interpreted that to mean that everyone was worried about our company’s financial state and I thought, no, we’re okay with our energy bills for now.”

“Uh, no. What everybody wuz saying wuz da office too cold.”

“Really?”

“Well, except for Debra cuz Debra Okinawan. And Okinawans nevah get cold.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Next time I expain dat one. Back to da topic at hand.”

“So I take it everyone’s sending me a message about my Secret Santa proposal? Randall Wakumoto told me he became a devil worshipper so that’s why he can’t participate. Why does no one like my idea? I figured it would be a great way that everyone could save some money in these tough times.”

“You may tink you giving everybody one break. But tink about what you taking away too. Maybe everybody wanted for have fun get togeddah before we all go on vacation.”

“So it might be viewed as a punishment. Hmmm. . . I see. Do you have any suggestions?”

“Wow, you asking for my suggestion. Um, outta curiousity, hypothetically speaking, if we still had da potluck ting going on, what would you have broughten?”

“Tapioca pudding probably. Why?”

“Tapioca pudding? May da force be with you on dat one.”

“Huh?”

“Oh? I mean, jus checking. Yeah, you right. Maybe potluck junk. If only get some way we can save money, yet still be social, dat would be so awesome. Eh, who’s for say we cannot do both. What if we had one Secret Santa party during our regular lunch break?”

“Interesting idea. So everyone will bring food for themselves only so it’s a savings to them, but we can still have the social aspect of the party, which everyone seems to miss. And as a bonus we can see everyone opening up each other’s Secret Santa gifts. I like that.”

“So Boss, wotchoo doing dis coming weekend?”

“Huh? Oh. I don’t know. Um. . . why? Oh, I mean, why, what are your plans?”

“Me and my friends we volunteering for Lokahi Tree’s toy drive. I convinced my friends how it’s important for kids to have toys when dey young, so dey no grow up for come greedy toy grubby adults when dey come old.
“A toy drive? Maybe we can see if people here want to donate some toys too.”

“Shooooooots.”

“I’m confused. Is that a yes or a no?”

“You nevah heard shoooooots? You probably know short shoots, yeah? If you say shoots fast, den das like you forgot someting, made one mistake, or suddenly remembered someting das contradictory. Short shoots is negatory. Long shoots is Local style. Long shoots like shoooooooots is affirmative and signals agreement. Shoooooots means you tink sounds like one plan. So what Boss, wotchoo tink?”

“Shoooooooooots.”
 

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